James and the Giant Orange
by eMu3
Summary: When the absence of a teacher leaves a block open at Hogwarts, a theatre program is started! Hilarity ensues. :) Co-written with Chikin who does not have an ff.net account
1. Default Chapter

Title: James and the Giant Orange  
  
Authors: eMu & Chikin  
  
Summary: James and the Giant Peach…meets Hogwarts.  
  
Disclaimers: Usual plus Roald Dahl. Yet again.  
  
Author's Notes: Whoo! Cuz he's awesome!  
  
BOOM!!!  
  
"Oh merciful Jesus!"  
  
"Cow Pattie!"  
  
"Moo."  
  
"Quiet table!"  
  
"Black, Pettigrew, Lupin, Po-"  
  
"It wasn't us…this time." Peter shouted.  
  
"Oh? This class has been here for one month, and every time there's been an explosion this month, and mind you there aren't usually multiple explosions in one month, it's been you four!" McGonagall shouted, losing her temper.  
  
"Well, it wasn't us this time. You were looking right at us." Remus noted.  
  
"True…did anyone see who blew up the…what blew up?" McGonagall asked the class. Lily Evans raised her hand, then pointed outside. McGonagall looked out the window.  
  
"Oh merciful Jesus!"  
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"And that's why we don't have a teacher for Herbology right now." James explained.  
  
"And that is also why Guy Incognito was expelled from Hogwarts." Remus added. "And until they get a new teacher for Herbology, we're going to the Great Hall. I hear Dumbledore's doing something with us during our Herbology spots."  
  
"C'mon, Dumbledore's the headmaster. He's gotta have something better to do with his time." Sirius noted. At that point the four boys reached the Great Hall, where they saw Dumbledore, and all the other kids in their year.  
  
"As you may have noticed the schedules have been changed so that all the years have Herbology together, and with the seven years, this totals one well needed break for the teachers a day. Oh, here are the Gryffindors. You can sit in the front with the Slytherins, those houses are friends, right?" Dumbledore said.  
  
"I…choose not to comment." Sirius said, sitting down next to the Slytherins. Someone threw something in his hair. He was about to pounce, but Remus touched his shoulder.  
  
"The headmaster is sitting in front of you. Think. Please." Remus implored.  
  
"But they threw a spit ball in my hair!" Sirius whined.  
  
"It's not a spitball, it's a rubber." Peter noted.  
  
"Why would anyone have the rubber to throw? Why would they have a rubber in school?" James asked.  
  
"I know. You can't erase ink." Remus noted.  
  
"Excuse me class, I was just saying how we need to fill the time Herbology had with something, so each of the years are going to put on a play, and we're going to have an awards night get-up for the best of the plays." Dumbledore announced.  
  
"Ooo…" A bunch of girls chorused.  
  
"We have text books. Can't we just read them?" A Ravenclaw asked.  
  
"Boo!" A bunch of Gryffindors shouted, throwing rubbers at the Ravenclaw.  
  
"Where are all of these rubbers coming from?" Natasha asked.  
  
"Anyway, we need to vote on which play we're going to do. We thought it'd be cute for you first years to do a musical of some kind."  
  
"Boo!"  
  
"Shut up Sirius."  
  
"Anyway, your options are the Little Mermaid, My Little Ponies, James and the Giant Peach and the Rocky Horror Picture Show."  
  
"How did that last one get in?" Snape asked. "We're eleven you know."  
  
"So you've seen it? Shame, you're too young for that." Dumbledore scolded. "Alright, raise your hands if you want to do the Little Mermaid."  
  
Peter tentatively raised his hand, but Sirius smacked it down.  
  
"Okay, seven. Now for My Little Ponies. Alright. One. James and the Giant Peach, ooo. Okay, that wins. Right, I'll be the director-"  
  
"Sir, no offense, but…um…you are the headmaster. Don't you have something else to do? Something more worthwhile?" Lily asked.  
  
"Actually I spend most of the day golfing in my office, I'm not really sure what it is I'm supposed to be doing. But it's very relaxing. Okay, there are some scripts over there, read through and you can audition…later. Have fun! Work on the scripts for the rest of class, I guess."  
  
Dumbledore handed out scripts. Peter, James, Remus and Sirius tossed them, then worked on catapulting odd things at the Slytherins for the rest of the period. 


	2. Playing at the Lake

The next day, all the first years gathered into the Great Hall, where a stage had been set up. "Okay, apparently auditions are today. If you want to be James, please go over there. If you want to be Miss Spider, go there. If you want to be Centipede, go there…" And the such.  
  
"What about the rhino?" Sirius asked, raising a hand.  
  
"Oh, you're the centipede Sirius, don't bother." Dumbledore said.  
  
"What? Why are you auditioning people then?" Remus asked.  
  
"It's a technicality. I was talking to this woman from Danvers who runs the musicals for their high school. You always have the parts selected before the auditions. The auditions just make students feel like they have a chance. Build their hopes up."  
  
"To knock them down?" Peter asked.  
  
"Well, yes but they're up for awhile anyway. Don't look so sad, you have a lead role."  
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"He made me the peach! THE PEACH!!!" Peter bellowed at lunch.  
  
"Yeah, well you're all short and round. You make a good peach. All we need to do is roll you in paint." Sirius said.  
  
"That's a good idea." Jezzebel said. She was the costume designer.  
  
"No, no paint!" Peter argued.  
  
"Okay fine, be boring. I was talking to Professor McGonagall though, and I was thinking about transfiguring extra limbs onto the insects. She said she'd help me with it." Jezzebel said.  
  
"So I'd have a hundred limbs?" Sirius asked, looking scared.  
  
"No, we'll just sew some booties onto your costume. That would take too long. But like, Severus is being the Grasshopper. So we could give him some extra limbs." This was met with smiles of delight from the assembled Gryffindors. "And Lily Evans is being the spider, so she'd get some extra legs."  
  
"What?!" Lily shrieked. "I don't want extra legs! I'll look ugly!"  
  
"Well you're being a spider." James noted.  
  
"Oh shut up Jeremy!"  
  
"My name is James! James! James!"  
  
"Ooo, that's one of your lines." Sirius said, looking through the music. Then he started singing. "My name is James, James, James…"  
  
"Shut up!"  
"James, James, James how are ya? Isn't it a lovely day…" Sirius sang.  
  
"James, James, James, we're so glad you came here where we are, from so vewy, vewy, vewy far!" The Slytherins chorused.  
  
Sirius poked James. He scowled. Sirius poked him again. "My name is James. James. James." He said in a flat tone. The Hufflepuffs clapped. The Ravenclaws looked at their scripts, looked up, then looked back down.  
  
"I heard Crabbe's doing choreography, that's not right, is it?" Remus asked.  
  
"Yeah it is." James answered.  
  
"He can barely walk!" Sirius exclaimed.  
  
"But he's one hell of a dancer. He takes ballet you know." James said.  
  
"Huh. That is odd." Lily looked down at the list, then up at Remus. "Remus, you realize you're going to be all alone with a bunch of Slytherins, right?"  
  
"What?" He asked in a small voice.  
  
"You've been cast as a pirate, along with Crabbe, Goyle, Avery and Romulus."  
  
"Romulus?" He squeaked.  
  
"Yeah. Hey, isn't that that guy who gave you a head swirlie yesterday?" Peter asked.  
  
"Yes. In Moaning Myrtle's toilet. He also made me eat a handful of dirt and stuffed me in one of the suits of armor." Remus said quietly. "The suit's been reacting oddly. It made a pass at me this morning."  
  
"Remus, you're really weird, you know that? I mean, everything you mentioned's happened to me before, except the pass thing." Peter said. "The suit of armor I was stuck in got rather sick. I'm insulted!" Peter exclaimed as that registered.  
  
"Poor Remus." Romulus said, from behind Remus, who jumped three feet, then stood behind Sirius.   
  
"Go away." Remus whispered.  
  
"Gladly. I'll have plenty of time to see you during rehearsals." Romulus said with a huge smile.  
  
"That can be taken in so many ways…" James noted.  
  
"Someone's waking up bald tomorrow." Sirius growled, watching Romulus.  
  
"That can be taken in so many ways…" James repeated, but was smacked by Sirius.  
  
"No, bullies aren't smart! It's a sicklickle thing! He won't understand that the more he messes with me, the more you'll humiliate him! He'll think if he beats me worse then you'll stop! Bullies are stupid Sirius!" Remus yelped.  
  
"Oh come on, can I give him a raindbow afro?" Sirius asked. "I haven't tried that one yet…since McGonagall. And I just got a new box of dung bombs, industrial size."  
  
"No! He'll kill me!" Remus eeped.  
  
"Rainbow afro it is then." Sirius decided.  
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Remus threw his books and ran, climbing up a nearby tree. Sirius, James and Peter watched from their spots by the lake.  
  
"I didn't do it! It was Sirius! Go away!" Remus called from his spot in the tree. He started throwing acorns at Romulus, who was climbing up the tree steadily, rainbow afro swaying.  
  
"Hey!" Sirius grabbed Romulus' ankle and started pulling him down. "Get away from him!"  
  
"Sod off!" Romulus growled. He shook Sirius off and climbed the tree. Remus looked from Romulus, to the lake, to Romulus, to the lake, then leapt off the tree branch and into the lake.  
  
"I didn't think Remus could swim." Peter noted.  
  
"He can't." James explained.  
  
"Aah."   
  
"Help!" Bubble. "Help!"  
  
"Hee hee. Turd can't swim." Romulus laughed.  
  
A kelpie popped up behind Remus. Remus screamed and started thrashing more wildly. "Remus, you know the spell to fend off kelpies!" Sirius called.  
  
"Must be hard to do without oxygen though." James observed, sitting down and watching the show. Peter sat down next to him.  
  
"I hope it doesn't have rabies." Peter muttered.  
  
Sirius, who had now climbed the tree, pushed Romulus in. The kelpie turned for Romulus, as he had a bit more meat on him than Remus. Then Sirius grabbed a stick and set it down into the lake near Remus. He pulled Remus out, which Romulus tried to swim away from the kelpie.  
  
"You ass!" Remus yelled, as soon as he could breathe properly.  
  
"What? I just saved your life!" Sirius argued.  
  
"Yeah, but it wouldn't have been in danger if you hadn't gotten Romulus after me!" Remus pushed Sirius into the lake. "I'm going to Madam Pomfrey's."  
  
"Hey! Someone help, the squid's-" Gurgle. 


	3. Accents and sillyness

"Well, looks like we can't practice our scene with the pirates today. Two of our pirates and the centipede are in the hospital wing. I do have professors Trelawney and McGonagall to work on a read through of the earlier scenes. James, Lorn, do you have your scripts?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Why am I here, I didn't even try out!" Lorn said.  
  
"Neither did I." James pointed out.  
  
"Shut up Jeremy."  
  
"James! My name is James!"  
  
"James…James." Dumbledore sang. "Okay, we'll be doing that scene too. But I think we should go through the scene with the glowing green things right now."  
  
"Oh no you won't! I need him for costumes!" Jezzebel said, rushing in with yards of fabric trailing behind her. "Those are important you know. He can always review his lines tonight."  
  
"Well, alright. I suppose the costumes are more important than the lines." Dumbeldore said, only he was being serious. A few eyebrows were raised.  
  
"This play's going to be magnificent." Narcissa muttered. "Alright Jezzy, what do you have for me?"  
  
"Oh you'll look so pretty in it Narcissa, here, it's back here." And then she pulled out a very circular, bright red foam lady bug costume.  
  
"You're kidding. You don't expect me to wear this, do you!?" Narcissa shrieked. "Like, in front of people. You want me to wear this in front of people?"  
  
"No, just the entire school. Oh, and we're going to have to transfigure an extra pair of arms onto you for opening night. Lady bugs have six legs you know." Jezzebel said, walking onto the next person.  
  
"Um…right. I'm not doing this. I'll come up with something." Narcissa muttered, walking away.  
  
"Okay, um, I need to talk to…oh Sirius isn't here right now. Okay, just Lorn then." Jezzebel said.  
  
"What?" Lorn asked.  
  
"You need a new accent. You're…what is your accent anyway?"  
  
"I don't have an accent."  
  
"Yes you do. You don't sound like you're from here, so you've got one."  
  
"No I don't."  
  
"Well, anyway, you're not British and you need to be."  
  
"I am British!" He exclaimed.  
  
"Well you don't sound it. You're entirely too American. So, I had professor Flitwick teach me this little charm I can put on your voice to make you sound British. Sirius is getting one too, he needs to be American. There's a slight downside though." Then she muttered very hurriedly under her breath.  
  
"Repeat that last part. Louder. Slower." Lorn ordered.  
  
"Fine, but you won't like it. These charms were invented for the sake of helping people blend into new cultures, so there's this little thing it does…if you use slang that's not British, it'll zap you."  
  
"So I can't say fuck?" He asked.  
  
"No no, brits use fuck too. You just, like…I don't know actually. Hmm, I guess it'll only really affect Sirius. Oh, he's going to be in the hopsital wing a lot. Anyway, Flitwick wanted me to put the charms on you now so you could get used to them."  
  
"Alright."  
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"Hey Lorn."  
  
"'Allo."  
  
"So the charm worked?" Sirius asked.  
  
"No shite, except it keeps changing regions. One minute I'm from London, the next I'm from Ireland, which technically isn't England! I've been Scottish too!" Lorn complained.  
  
"Hmm. Well I need to go get mine done. Jezzebel said something bad would happen, but then she sort of muttered. It wasn't important, was it?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Naw, course it wasn't mate."  
  
"That is scary."  
  
"S'right."  
  
Shuddering, Sirius stepped into Flitwick's room. "Hold still and don't blink." Flitwick instructed.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Well, Jezzebel had a bit of an accident with Mr. Mystique's, so I'm administering yours and…if all goes well there will be a very bright flash. It was a dull green spark for Lorn, thus the switches."  
  
"Okay…"  
  
"One…two…two and a half…two and three quarters…LOOK OVER THERE-THREE!!!"  
  
"Wha? Ah! My eyes! My sodding (ZAP) AAAHH!!! Oh bollo-AAAH!!!" Sirius hugged himself as he was zapped. "What's going on? Bleedi-AAAHH!!! Bog-AAAH!!!"  
  
"Didn't Jezzebel tell you?!" Flitwick called over the sound of the first year electrocuting himself. "You have to use American slang only or you'll get zapped!"  
  
"Bloody he-AAAAAAHHH!!!"   
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
James picked up a balloon and held it in the air. It was pulled to the door. "Sirius is coming." He warned.  
  
In walked Sirius, his black hair sticking out in as many directions as James', although some of his was singed. The balloon attached itself to Sirius' head.  
  
"Will you stop doing that? I know I'm a conductor but it's blo…it's fucking annoying." Sirius complained.  
  
"You sound funny." Peter noted.  
  
"I'm American now. Shut up. I swear, I feel like my IQ's dropping (do not yell at us, we're American! -ed.) every minute."  
  
"Maybe that's from all of the shocks to the head." James suggested. "You swear a lot."  
  
"I noticed!" he snapped.  
  
"So you can't say bloody?" Peter asked.  
  
"No." Sirius said sadly.  
  
"And you can't say arse?" James asked.  
  
"No."  
"So you can't say, I'm Sirius Black the bloody stupidest arse in the whole of England?" James asked.  
  
"You sodd- Bzzt! Aah! Wank-Aaaah!" The balloon popped, and the force of the shock made Sirius fall out of his chair and writhe on the floor of the common room, while James and Peter laughed at him and poked him with things.  
  
"That's not nice." Remus said weakly, coming in.  
  
"You're wet again." Peter noted. "Toilet swirlie?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"So why are you all the way wet? Shouldn't just your head be wet?" James asked.  
  
"Moaning Myrtle felt bad for me this time so she tried to help me by blowing up the toilet. She thought I was going to drown. Romulus got wet too though."   
  
"Maybe I'll cast an accent charm on him…" Sirius thought. "He swears enough."  
  
"He hardly talks. He just sort of grunts and punches." Remus argued weakly. "I'm going to take some asprin and have a lie down. Poke me before the next rehearsal."  
  
"Maybe we'll make Sirius swear. There's an alarm clock if I've ever heard one." James said.  
  
"You pra-AARGK!!!" 


	4. Tongs

"That was a very good run through class. Try it again, only this time betterer…" Dumbledore advised.  
  
"I swear to God I think he's stoned." Snape whispered to no one in particular.  
  
"Well, those are the first actual directing cues he's given us." Narcissa noted.  
  
"Plie one two! And hop, hop! One two three, one two three! I need you to feel this! Bend those knees Lucius!" Crabbe ordered.  
  
"Sod off!" Lucius growled. "I can't move my arms, this is the best dancing you're getting." As Lucius was playing the worm, his arms had been temporarily duct taped to his sides. All he could really do was wiggle.  
  
"Twirl, no graceful you beasts! I can't work with these ruffians!" Crabbe shouted, throwing down his script.  
  
"How come he's talking smart? I always got the impression cabbage was more intelligent than him…" Peter muttered. James just shrugged.  
  
"Jezzebel? Where is that little slut! Jezzebel!" Narcissa stormed off, her costume clutched in one hand. "There you are! I am not wearing this!"  
  
"But you need to. Or else you'll be naked on stage." Jezzebel answered. Narcissa stared at her in shock for a minute, a series of clicks emerging from her throat. "Are you alright?"  
  
"I can't move when I wear this monstrosity! Even the beach ball can move!" Narcissa yelled.  
  
"It's not a monstrosity. It's card board and foldable foam and glue. And glittery. And googly stuffs." Jezzebel said sweetly.  
  
"Help! Help!" Peter yelped. Goyle and Avery were rolling him around onstage, suspiciously close to the window leading to the lake.  
  
"Away from the window, you'll ruin the costume! Thorw him out the window when he's not wearing the costume!" Jezzebel shouted.  
  
"Jezzebel, hey! I'm more important than he is!" Narcissa squeaked indignantly.  
  
"Suck it in Pettigrew! You're going to break the molding! And try to land on your feet! Out of water preferably!" Jezzebel shouted.  
  
Remus started throwing plastic daggers from the pirate props at Goyle and Avery. "Oi! Stop that! We can't push him out with you doing that!" Goyle grunted.  
  
"Sure we can." Avery snapped.  
  
"Help!" Peter squeaked. "Please! I don't want to die! I'm only eleven!"  
  
"I'm going to regret this." Sirius muttered. He walked over to Avery and Goyle and screamed "BOLLOCKS!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"  
  
The ensuing zap shocked the three of them into convulsions whilst Peter wiggled, still stuck in the window.  
  
"Wow, they're having seizures." Natasha noted.  
  
"Thanks Sirius!" Peter said.  
  
"Gargk!! Wel-Akl-come!" Sirius gargled.  
  
"Somebody should help them before they swallow their tongues." Lily noted.  
  
"Tongs!" Jezzebel said, pulling them out of the prop bin.  
  
LATER…  
  
  
  
"Once again, rehearsals are being delayed by the presence of principal cast members in the hospital wing. Are we ever going to have all of our pirates here at once?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Maybe if Lupin would keep out of the infirmary." Romulus grunted.  
  
"Hey, I'm here today!" Remus snapped. Then a stage light fell from the ceiling three feet from him. He stared at it in shock. "Didn't think we had stage hands…"  
  
"That's what the Hufflepuffs are doing." Dumbledore said brightly.  
  
"Oh God, we're going to die." Peter muttered.  
  
"I gots the pirates!" Jezzebel said, wheeling Avery and Goyle in on their wheelchairs. "See, he's even got an eye patch!"  
  
"That's because his eyeball exploded Jezzebel." Lucius snapped.  
  
"It's growing back."  
  
"Where's Sirius?" Remus asked.  
  
"He's in the infirmary, Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let me take him. So I shouted look over there and grabbed these two. There were too many wires attached to Sirius."  
  
Remus made a somewhat unintelligible squeak.  
  
"JEZZEBEL SAMSA, WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!!" Madam Pomfrey screamed.  
  
"Standing…"  
  
"Wow, I'm amazed she figured that out." Narcissa muttered sarcastically.  
  
"Hello Poppy, very nice day, isn't it?" Dumbledore greeted. Pomfrey looked very much like she was going to explode.  
  
"Aren't you supposed to stay in the hospital wing? With the patients?" James asked.  
  
"Not when my patients are kidnapped!" Pomfrey shouted, wheeling Avery and Goyle away. 


	5. Penguins and Jeremies

NEXT DAY…  
  
  
  
"This is interesting. It's the dress rehearsal and we're still using the scripts." Lily noted. "Isn't opening night tomorrow?" She asked.  
  
"Yup. But it's just gonna be us, the other grades are doing it later." Jezzebel said.   
  
"Wait. We're going to be performing in front of the entire school, thus humiliating ourselves, and there aren't going to be any other shows following us!" Narcissa snapped.  
  
"Well the second years weren't ready yet." Jezzebel explained.  
  
"We're not ready yet!" Lily pointed out.  
  
"But they're less ready. They just got the penguins in today. They're doing Mr. Popper's Penguins, and I guess it takes awhile to learn how to work with live animals." Jezzebel explained.  
  
"That explains the random penguins swimming in the lake." Lily muttered.  
  
"Help! Help me!" Frank screamed, running through the room. Three penguins were chasing him, more specifically the ham sandwich he had in his hand.  
  
"Just drop the bloody sandwich Frank!" James suggested.  
  
"I'm hungry!" He answered.  
  
"Is it worth your life man?!" Sirius asked.  
  
"It's a good sandwich!" He climbed up the curtains. "Ha! Penguins can't fly!"  
  
"Wizarding penguins can Frank…" Remus muttered.  
  
"Ah! It hurts! Ah!"  
  
"Looks like another one for the hospital wing." Remus noted.  
  
"At least he's only an extra, not a lead." Peter noted.  
  
All of the first years were looking up, then down slightly, then cringed and looked away.  
  
"I knew the penguins could fly, but I didn't think Frank could." Natasha noted.  
  
"He couldn't Tash. That's why he fell." Lydia responded.  
  
"It makes sense." Natasha said.  
  
"Will someone escort Mr. Longbottom to the hospital wing please?" Dumbledore asked. The pirates all kicked Remus forward.  
  
"I volunteer, I guess." He said, helping Frank up. A penguin honked at him. "You already got his sandwich."  
  
"I think they want a sacrifice." Peter muttered.  
  
"Alright. Tonight for the dress rehearsal, you're going to need to be wearing your full costumes and make up." Dumbledore explained.  
  
"It gets worse than this?" Narcissa asked.  
  
"I have with me Professor McGonagall, here to transfigure the extra limbs onto the leads."  
  
"No." Narcissa said flatly.  
  
"Yes." Dumbeldore insisted.  
  
"You can't make me do it." She insisted.  
  
"Actually we can. See, we made you sign these contracts saying if you were injured during the making of the play, you couldn't sue the school and there's some fine print on the costumes." Jezzebel said, holding up a piece of parchment and a microscope.  
  
"Well I'll be damned. If I don't get the limbs added, you'll get my soul?" Narcissa asked.  
  
"I've been collecting them. I have twenty three so far. And a lot of the people who gave them to me don't even remember it. Or they didn't know they were giving it to me when they did." Jezzebel answered.  
  
"You're not going to remove my arms and legs, are you?" Lucius asked fearfully.  
  
"No, duct tape." She squeaked.  
  
"Y-you can get rid of them. I don't mind."  
  
"No, you'd look odd without them." Jezzebel said.  
  
"Right. And I'll look normal with extra hands?" Narcissa snapped.  
  
"But you're always pretty Cissy."  
  
"Call me that again and I'll strangle you. And I'll have four hands to do it with!"  
  
THE NEXT MORNING…  
  
  
  
"Dumbledore, I heard a rumor that opening night has been delayed a week…" Lily said timidly.  
  
"Yes. It seems last night several of the penguins broke loose and attacked the Slytherin dorm. It seems the only one of the boys who made it out okay was Mr. Mystique. The penguins are still loose in the school somewhere and we dare not proceed without several of our leads and the penguins causing a threat."  
  
"So…I have to walk around with six extra legs for an extra week?!" Lily shrieked.  
  
"Look on the bright side, more time to learn your lines." Dumbledore said optimistically. Narcissa threw a muffin at his head. "Ooo…muffins."  
  
Meanwhile at the Gryffindor table, the Marauders were having a discussion about the Penguin attack.  
  
"It was Lorn." Remus said flatly.  
  
"You have no proof." Sirius noted.  
  
"He was the only one who wasn't hurt, he's psycho and he hates his roommates. I think he's got control of the penguins, so stay on his good side. He doesn't like you James." Remus noted.  
  
"I know that! Although he doesn't know my name so maybe he won't be able to get them to attack me." James said hopfully.  
  
"Uh…James?" Sirius said in a concerned tone. He pointed up with a fork. There was a penguin fluttering above him holding a lead pipe. James jumped out of his seat, and the pipe landed on his chair, breaking it in half. Everyone at the table jumped out of their seats while the penguin flew out the open window.  
  
"Maybe we should make it two weeks."  
  
"The hell you will!" Narcissa screamed.  
  
"Lily, what are you doing?" James asked.  
  
"I can walk on walls." She said, going up the wall to the ceiling. "If I didn't look so terrible, this wouldn't be so bad. Although the Hufflepuffs jumping onto my back for rides is starting to get annoying."  
  
"Alright then."  
  
"Careful Jeremy, there's a penguin coming." Lily warned.  
  
"My name is James!"  
  
"Jeremy's really taking this play to heart." Lily muttered, while everyone in the hall broke out into song and James buried his head in his hands.  
  
LATER…  
  
"I can't believe we're not allowed to leave our common rooms." Peter complained.  
  
"Well it's that or be attacked by psychotic penguins." Remus noted. "I think the downside is that the Slytherins released from the hospital wing have to stay with us. I don't like the way Romulus is looking at me."  
  
"That can be taken in-"  
  
"Shut up Jeremy!" Sirius shouted. James paused, and made some of those loveable clicking noises. "S-sorry." Sirius stammered.  
  
James dove onto Sirius and started slamming his head against the stone floor. They managed to pull James off when he was chewing on Sirius' arm.  
  
"MY NAME IS JAMES!! MY NAME IS JAMES!!"  
  
"Someone get Madam Pomfrey, he needs a sedative!" Peter squeaked.  
  
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES!!!! JAAAAAAAAAAMES!!"  
  
"Oh shut up Jeremy!" Lily called from across the room.  
  
James started screaming and yelping, breaking free of Sirius and Remus, who had been trying to hold him down. He ran around in circles, before running into a wall and knocking himself unconscious. The Slytherins started poking him with crutches.  
  
"So, is the Gryffindor common room always this interesting?" Lorn asked.  
  
"Well…actually yes. We've had a monsoon here." Lily said.  
  
"Huh."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Indeed." 


	6. Opening Night part 1

Author's Notes: This is gonna go on for ages. See, we've got quite a bit of this story written, but we're covering the whole play, and we plan on doing the cast party as well. We've written about half-way into the movie…so for awhile expect constant updates and then…yeah. Oh, and we started writing this before we read the fifth book…so er, Trelawney is teaching at the school even though she started after Snape's been there a few years. Now if JK had included that in the FOURTH book…but I digress. We're not taking her out because she's too funny, even though she really shouldn't be there. And thanks to the kind people who have already reviewed! We love-a you! J  
  
OPENING NIGHT  
  
"I don't know my lines!"  
  
"Well it's not like you have a big part or anything-"  
  
"I'm the title character you idiot!" James yelled at Sirius.  
  
"Well you should've memorized your lines instead of freaking out over people mispronouncing your name." Sirius noted.  
  
"They were calling me something else entirely!" James snapped.  
  
"Hey…Glasses! Uh, we need you on the stage!" A Hufflepuff stage hand called.  
  
"Glasses?"  
  
"It spread around about your freak out in the common room and now no one's sure what to call you. So I said to call you Glasses." Sirius explained.  
  
"Why didn't you tell them to call me James?" James asked.  
  
"Because Glasses is funnier than James, Glasses."  
  
"Sod off."  
  
"Ay, you wank…ankle."   
  
"Wankankle?" James asked.  
  
"Well if I say wanker, I'll AAAAAAAARGGGHKL!!! Hey, there was a delay on that one. Hmm…pra-AAAAAAAAAA!!!! Nope."  
  
Second year and up filed into the Great Hall to watch the first years play. The second years were all heavily bandaged, and not looking forward to their performance, which was to follow the first years. The penguins had been rounded up and sat in cages in front of the stage.  
  
"Where are Helena and Bob?" James asked, referring to the Hufflepuffs cast as the Trotters.   
  
"Well, uh…see there was a freak accident with the Penguins and, um…they're dead now. But we have replacements." Jezzebel explained, holding up sock puppets.  
  
"There's something odd going on with the Hufflepuffs, with Helena and Bob gone, that makes six dead this year." James noted.  
  
"Whoa. Wonder how many will be gone by June. We're gonna have a record this year." Jezzebel said. "Okay, get on stage."  
  
"What?"  
  
James was pushed out on the stage with one sock puppet on either hand. He looked around anxiously for cue cards, but didn't see any. The spot light glared in his eyes. Dead silence. He coughed.  
  
"Erm…hello…son." He said in a deep voice, wiggling the dad puppet. "Hey dad!"   
  
"You suck!" Someone from the audience shouted.  
  
"Shut up Sirius!" He hissed. "Gee…ma…I love you both." He criss crossed his arms and hugged the sock puppets. "We're gonna go to New York some day." He said in an airy sort of voice. "Say, is that a rhino I hear?" Pause. "I said, IS THAT A RHINO I HEAR?!"  
  
"We can't find the rhino!" A Hufflepuff squeaked. "Stall!"  
"What?" He whispered. He cleared his throat nervously. "How bout that weather huh? Cloudy eh? Wonder if it's gonna rain…hey, that cloud looks like a tree, don't it Dad? Yeah it does son. Yeah, and that cloud looks like a stage hand…falling…"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Ow. I'm okay!" A voice from above shouted.  
  
"And that looks like-"  
  
"We found him!" Jezzebel squealed.  
  
"A rhino! Ah!"   
  
The Bloody Baron with a paper towel roll glued to his head came sweeping out over the audience, scaring a few of the younger students. He chased James around a little, until he pulled off the sock puppets, threw them at the Baron, and climbed up the rigging.  
  
The Baron started tearing apart the sock puppets, growling and chewing on them as the horrified audience looked on. He paused, noting the dead silence and stares, then bowed. The audience clapped nervously, then the curtain closed.  
  
"INTERMISSION!!!" Lily shouted. "Why are we having an intermission after the first scene?!"  
  
"Because…we're having a problem with Spiker and Sponge. They're having a bit of a cat fight." Peter explained.  
  
"It's disturbing. McGongall just smacked Trelawney and called her a ho." Sirius explained. "I could use some pop corn."  
  
"I think it's good we're having an intermission now, because I need to change my underpants! Fucking Bloody Baron!" James yelled, climbing down from his hiding place.  
  
"Um…where are my muffins?" Lorn asked.  
  
"Oh, the ones you made for the bake sale?" Jezzebel asked.  
  
"No…those were special muffins." Lorn said, putting emphasis on the special.  
  
"She sold the muffins!" Sirius squeaked. "Those were OUR muffins!"  
  
"Forget that, Flitwick's got one!" Lorn yelled.   
  
"Ooo…that's going to be interesting." Sirius said with a grimace while Lorn started laughing.  
  
"I don't get it. Is there something wrong with the muffins?" Peter asked.  
  
"Flitwick's doing a lap dance for Hagrid, I think there's something wrong with the muffins!" James yelled.  
  
"Shut up Jeremy."  
"My na…never mind."  
  
"Well they're gonna like the play more this way at least." Remus rationalized. 


	7. Enter Spiker, Sponge and Glowing Green T...

"Act 2! We got McGonagall off of Trelawney. Sirius, where's your bactine? Jeremy, go out there and start pretending to clean, we'll have the professors out in a minute." Jezzebel said.  
  
"What? I don't know my lines!"  
  
"No one does! Wing it!"  
  
"I thought we were getting cue cards." He muttered. He walked out on stage and pretended to sweep the floor for ten minutes straight while random audience members started giggling, some drooling.  
  
"Vile…insect? What's my line again?" Trelawney asked from offstage.  
  
"Can't the stars tell you? Vile worm." McGonagall answered sternly.  
  
"That's it! Vile worm! Clean harder!" Trelawney and McGonagall came out in Spiker and Sponge garb. "Cut the grass with this here shoe! You'll be dead by January, the rhino will come and kill you, I read it in the leaves, the tea leaves Po-"  
  
"That grow on the yard…near the peach tree." McGonagall interrupted. "That hasn't blossomed in…er…quite some time."  
  
"I predict that sometime soon something will happen!" Trelawney called. "Something terrible that none of you will forget until the day you die." She went into a sort of trance. McGonagall snapped near her ears. "Vile worm!"  
  
"Right. Here's supper, we're going to relax now." McGonagall threw an empty bag of potato chips at James and the two exited stage right.  
  
Some music started up. James looked at the audience, panicked. "My name is James…that's what sock-Mum called me! My name is James…so it's always been. Sometimes you forget, and call me Jeremy…but there's something or other…very far away from here. Very far away."  
  
The music tinkled a bit and he thought it was an instrumental break, but Jezzebel motioned from offstage that he was supposed to be singing. "James! James! James! How are ya? Isn't it a lovely day…James! James! James! We're so glad you came here where we are…from so very, very, very far…" He paused. Jezzebel threw a script at his head.  
  
"My name is James. James. James." The lights dimmed and the curtain closed "Oh bollocks!", then opened again. "Good night spider!" Then they shut again.  
  
A minute later the curtain opened and a shrunken Lily was onstage crawling around with McGonagall and Trelawney trying to kill her with a shoe. She screamed in terror, until James picked her up and ran offstage. Then McGonagall and Trelawney realized they were the ones who were supposed to have exited and ran off, and James ran back on.  
  
"Here…spider…go free. Run wild and free! Wish I could…I guess. Run to New York. Yup yup."  
  
"And what's stopping you?" Lorn asked, appearing out of nowhere behind James.  
  
"Oooo…." Went the audience. James and Lorn regarded them in a confused matter.  
  
"Don't be frightened James, I mean you no harm."   
  
"Well you know my name! …How?" James stuttered. Lorn rolled his eyes.  
  
"I know more than just your name. What would you say if I were to tell you that the answer to all your troubles is right here, inside this little bag?"  
  
Pause. Lorn elbowed James. "Hey, that's…mine, right?"  
  
"Of course it is, of course it is. Go on James, have a look." James stood perfectly still and blinked at Lorn. "Have a look."  
  
"Oh! Right!" James peered into the little bag of glowing green things. "Ew."  
  
"There's more magic in those things than in all the rest of the world put together." James again stood still and waited for Lorn to continue, so he mouthed James' line.  
  
"…umm, what are those?" James repeated warily.  
  
"Crocodile tongues. 1000 long slimy crocodile tongues. Boiled in the skull of a dead witch (Gasp!) for twenty days and twenty nights then add the fingers of a young monkey, the gizzard of a pig, the beak of a parrot and 3 spoonfuls of sugar, stew for a week then let the moon (blink, and his eye changed into a full moon. The audience gasped, then giggled) do the rest. (Blink, changed back) Have them, and marvellous things will happen. Things even you never dreamt of." Another long pause.  
  
"Oh, like what?" James asked.  
  
"Well like you'll never be miserable again. And you are miserable, aren't you James? You want them?"   
  
"Yes." Lorn whispered.  
  
"Yes!" James shouted. Lorn slapped his hand to his forehead, then continued through gritted teeth.  
  
"You weren't meant to be you know. And that place you dreamt of, it's not as far away as you think."  
  
Lorn motioned to a wall. James stared at him stupidly, then Lorn shoved him in front of the wall where he saw a picture of New York.  
  
"New York?"  
  
"And it'll be that much closer, once you take the first step." At this point, Lorn had given up on James knowing his lines, so he was manipulating James' mind to make him say the right thing.  
  
"How? This doesn't make any sense." Puppet James said. Lorn had magically appeared on the other side of the wall.  
  
"Not up here it doesn't. (Point to forehead) The answers are in here. (Touches finger to James' heart area) And the magic is in here. (Now Lorn is on James' side of the wall) So James what'll it be?" James reached out for the bag of tongues. "Now listen to me James. Don't let them get away because if they do they'll work their magic on whoever or whatever they meet first. Understand? (James nodded) Good." And then Lorn disappeared with smoke and wind and the such.  
  
And James blinked stupidly because he was coming out of a trance.  
  
"Did you kill that spider yet?!" McGonagall snapped, coming in from offstage.  
  
"Not yet Minerva." Dumbledore hissed.  
  
"What?" James asked. Then Lorn telekinetically shoved him and he dropped the bag. All the green things jumped offstage. James stood there, until Lorn used some more mind powers and made him crawl around on all fours. It looked rather awkward at first, as Lorn had little experience in manipulation of other humans, but then he had some fun making James slap himself.  
  
"Right. Vile worm, done killing that spider?" McGonagall asked.  
  
"Uh…yeah. It's pretty dead. You should see it, all squished like that." James stuttered.  
  
"Let's beat him now." Trelawney said. "I predicted it so this morning."  
"It is the morning you imbecile." McGongall snapped. "Oh look, a peach."  
"That was my line." Trelawney whined.  
  
"Shut up you stupid-"  
  
"Professor!" James shouted. "I mean, auntie. You shouldn't call auntie Sponge what you're thinking of calling her. Want me to get that peach?"  
  
"Sure." McGonagall said.  
  
"Wait, it's growing." Trelawney said. "Um, it's growing. Now! Start growing peach!"  
  
"Inflate the balloon!" Jezzebel whispered.  
  
"It's not a balloon anymore." A Hufflepuff called.  
  
"Right. Inflate the peach suit!" She hissed.  
  
And then Peter was lowered onstage by a pulley in a deflated peach suit. It started blowing up, and his little arms started flailing. He was squeaking something about not being able to breathe, so they deflated it a little until he gave them the thumbs up.  
  
"It…er…smells good." Trelawney said, moving forward.  
  
"No Sponge, don't eat it. It smells like money." McGonagall snapped. 


	8. Hey, that's insulting!

The curtains closed roughly, and opened a few minutes later. A large fake peach had been dragged onstage.  
  
Loud thuds and lots of offstage shouting and feet scrambling ensued, and then about twenty minutes later a stage full of extra piled out to pay to see the peach.  
  
"Can we touch it?" Natasha asked.  
  
"Sure!" Trelawney said.  
  
"She'll be wanting to, er…feel it? No, taste it next! No admission…cheeky ideas." McGonagall said.  
  
Natasha was pulled offstage by a cane.   
  
The curtains closed. "Hey! I was sposed to talk! Did I put on this priest suit for nothing?"  
  
"Shut up Lucius! You have plenty of lines later!"  
  
"Yeah when my arms are duct taped you fat cow!"  
  
"Ten points from Slytherin you little sh-"  
  
"McGonagall!"  
  
The curtains opened. The peach was still there, but the kitchen scene was set up around it. Trelawney was leaning on the peach eating her supper, McGonagall sitting at the table staring at the peach.  
  
"Hey aunties…I'm all spiffed up and hungry." James said.  
  
"That's nice." Trelawney said.  
  
McGonagall stared at the prop money on the table. "Clean…garbage." She threw a barrel and wooden pole with nail at him.  
  
"Okay."  
  
Curtains closed.   
  
"FIRE!!!"  
  
"Ooo…pretty."  
  
"That's not your line!"   
  
"The peach is on fire!!"  
  
"Hose Peter down! He's flailing!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"  
  
The sounds of a firehose came from offstage. The curtains flew out with the impact, and became quite soggy. Then a frazzled looking Hufflepuff came onstage and gave the thumbs up. Curtains opened. The singed peach was onstage and James (now covered with ashes) was picking up trash.  
  
"Ooo…a green thing." James said. He looked at the floor. "Green thing…green thing…dammit Jezzebel!"  
  
"Sorry!" A green gummy worm was thrown onstage. It was attached to a thread, so Jezzebel started pulling on it and James ran after the gummy worm. She threw it at the peach and he tore off a chunk. "Do I have to eat this?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"It's been genetically altered by Hagrid, I don't wanna!" James argued. Lorn snapped his fingers and a penguin honked. James hurriedly gobbled down the peach.  
  
"I think I'm gonna be sick!" James ran offstage and threw up. "Oh look…a green thing."  
  
"Jeremy, you can't throw that up yet! Eat it again!" Jezzebel ordered.  
  
"No!"  
  
Penguin honk.  
  
"Mmm…partially digested gummy worm."  
  
A tunnel appeared in the stage peach. James crawled up the tunnel and the curtain closed.  
  
"INTERMISSION!!" Jezzebel shouted.  
  
*******POST INTERMISSION*******  
  
OR ACT III  
  
The curtain opened upon the pit room. James stood there awkwardly with a full sized, but many legged Lily, an arm duct-taped Lucius, Snape with multiple arms, Natasha with a glowing ass, Narcissa round and red and Sirius with a hundred booties.  
  
"Hey…bugs. You ate the green things, right?" James asked.  
  
"Yup. I'm the spider from your room." Lily said. She looked like she was still in shock from the shrinking episode.  
  
"Okay." James turned to Lucius. "Shouldn't you be on the ground, you're a worm."  
  
"Shut up Po-" Sirius kicked his ass and he fell forward. "I can't get up! I can't get up!"Snape leaned forward to help him up, but Lucius refused. "Don't touch me you hygiene impaired freak!"  
  
"Fine! Stay on the ground you rich bastard…worm."  
  
"Say, is this peach headed anywhere?" Natasha asked.  
  
"Er…New York?" James answered.  
  
"Cool." Sirius said. "I…like New York. There's a song here, isn't there?"  
  
"Yup." James answered.  
  
They waited for the back round music.  
  
"That's the life for me!" Sirius yelled.  
  
"Yup." James repeated.  
  
Then the music filed in. A vamp started, as no one was singing, but all looking around nervously. "Who starts?" Natasha asked.  
  
"Sirius, you do!" Lily hissed.  
  
"Bright lights big city that's where we gotta go!  
  
Where the music's loud and the bugs are so pretty, I'd like ta get my arms around a hundred or so. I'd hug 'em squeeze 'em hold 'em tight. Sleep all day dance all night. I want the bright lights big city that's the life for me yeah. That's the life for-" Sirius cut himself off and waited. Another vamp started, and he elbowed Lily.  
  
"Oops! You little maggot have you never seen the moon gliding across the western sky. A dead oak tree by the water side. Putrid vapours rising." Lily motioned with her arms and twirled a little (there was no official choreography).  
  
Narcissa caught her cue perfectly and sent an arrogant smile Lily's way. "That sounds lovely dear, I'm sure we all agree but I prefer the sunshine. A little park right in the centre of the town, flowers everywhere, children all around me. I'd love it. Landing on a baby's cheek so warm. Wonderful. Wonderful. That's the life for me. That's the life for me. That's the life, that's the life for me." Then she elbowed Snape, who was looking dismally at a wall.  
  
"Elegant conversation." He said lamely.  
  
"Bright lights big city!" Sirius contrasted enthusiastically.  
  
"An elevated point of view."  
  
"That's where I'd go!"  
  
"Intellectual stimulation."  
  
"Yeah, maybe for you."  
  
"And someone you…I'm not singing it."  
  
They all continued into the refrain. "It would be wonderful, wonderful…That's the life for me."  
  
"You call that a life." Lucius said with little to no feeling.  
  
"That's the life for me."  
  
"It's no pile of dirt."  
  
"That's the life, that's the life, That's the life for -" They all stopped. The music stopped. Spiker and Sponge did not enter. They waited, with frozen spirit fingers.  
  
"My arm's getting sore!" Sirius whined in a stage whisper, fixed smile.  
  
"At least you can feel yours!" Lucius snapped, not hiding his discomfort from the audience at all.  
  
"Jeremy, I mean James! Where did that little…brat go!" McGonagall yelled from offstage.  
  
"He's in the peach dear." Trelawney offered helpfully. McGonagall whacked her. "I mean, the rhino will get you! And your giant bug friends! Ow! McGonagall, why do you keep whacking me?"  
  
"Idiot."  
  
"Hey! That's insulting." 


	9. Annoyingly Short Chappie

"Uh, close the curtain!" Jezzebel shouted. The curtains roughly closed and some scrambling was heard offstage.  
  
When the curtains opened, Peter was onstage in the peach suit hanging from a prop tree with his arms sticking out. Sirius was behind the back curtain, with a puppet of himself on a popsicle stick.   
  
"Nibble, nibble, nibble." He said. There was a pause. "Kee...crack!" Sirius waited. "That means move Pete." Sirius whispered.  
  
"I don't wanna roll around onstage!" Peter shrieked in a terrified sort of manner.  
  
"You're ruining my vision!" Jezzebel shrieked from offstage.  
  
"What vision? The whole audience is stoned!" Narcissa snapped.  
  
"Wasn't she the costume designer?" A Hufflepuff asked.  
  
"Come on Peter, my arm's getting sore!" Sirius hissed. Peter shook his head, so Sirius ever so stealthily kicked him.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!" ..."AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"  
  
Peter was rolling around on the stage. Jezzebel used Wingardium Leviosa to put a doll farm house onstage, and the fence wrapped around Peter. Then he went off a carefully placed ramp and landed in a kiddie pool.  
  
"SPA-LASH!!!" Sirius yelled, throwing a glass of water in the air. Then he made some gargling sounds. The audience started giggling and drooling.  
  
Peter gave the thumbs up and they dragged him offstage. The curtain came down and opened up again with the bugs and James hanging out on top of the peach.  
  
"Now are we going to New York?" Natasha asked.  
  
"I guess." James answered. "Is there another song yet?"  
  
"Nope...oh wait, reprise." Sirius answered. "That's the life for me! C'mon, sing it Sevvy!"  
  
"Eat shit and die Black!"  
  
"That's the life for me!" Sirius sang, swinging Severus into the pit.  
  
Lily and Natasha started dancing in a ring around the rose manner around Narcissa, who scowled at them in a very un-ladybug like manner.  
  
Sirius, Lily and Natasha did spirit fingers and the music ended. "Okay. Now we need to figure out how to get this thing to New York." Lily decided.  
  
"Cruise control isn't good enough for you?" Sirius asked.  
  
"No it's not good enough for- AAAAAAAAhhhh!! What is that?!" Lily shrieked. What sounded like a posessed lawnmower revved up from offstage.  
  
"Big...knashing...teeth." Lucius supplied lamely. Then he kicked Snape.  
  
"Ow. Wanker."  
  
"Smelly."  
  
"That hurts."   
  
The bugs all waited patiently for the shark to show up. But instead they heard shrieks of pain and what sounded like bones crunching. "WE LOST CONTROL OF THE SHARK!!! IT JUST GOT TWO HUFFLEPUFFS!!!"  
  
Sirius started ticking them off on his finger. "How many've we got left?"  
  
Jezzebel walked onstage. "We're going to have some...audience participation. Who wants to be the shark? Bruce Bogtrotter, okay. We don't have a shark costume so you can wear this bunny suit. Everyone just imagine."   
  
A few minutes later Bruce Bogtrotter came out wearing a pink bunny suit. "It's a viscious bunny!" Natasha said.  
  
"We're pretending he's a shark Tash." Lily hissed. "Ah! Oh, what are we to do?! It will get the peach!"  
  
Everyone looked expectantly at James. "Don't you have an idea?" Sirius prompted.  
  
"I'm stumped." James answered.  
  
"Dude, you're supposed to suggest we fly out." Sirius hissed.  
  
"Dude? Really getting into this American thing, aren't you?" James asked.  
  
"Oh sod-AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHH!!!" Sirius screamed in pain.  
  
"GASP!!" The audience yelled, then giggled. Meanwhile, Sirius and James were rolling around onstage beating the shit out of each other and Lily was trying to pry them apart.  
  
Chikin: That's a bad place to leave off.  
  
eMu: Yup. Want to write more then?  
  
Chikin: Naw, let's tease the hell out of them with author's notes. Boo-wah ha ha ha…hee hee hee. Yes. You get the point. eMu, stop it. eMu!  
  
eMu: And in the interest of keeping those ever-so wonderful and much appreciated reviews coming in, I feel it necessary to explain that more fan fiction will be coming. ^_^ Just not tonite. We promise to update soon though.  
  
Chikin: And our seventeenth reviewer's name will show up in the fanfic! They'll be an extra!  
  
eMu: Why?  
  
Chikin: It will keep them writing reviews.  
  
eMu: But why would they want their name in one of our fanfics? I hardly want my name on this.  
  
Chikin: Oh stop being a negative Nancy. The contest stands!  
  
eMu: Urgh… 


	10. Pain and Suffering for all!

"Uh, close the curtain!" Jezzebel shouted. The curtains roughly closed and some scrambling was heard offstage.  
  
When the curtains opened, Peter was onstage in the peach suit hanging from a prop tree with his arms sticking out. Sirius was behind the back curtain, with a puppet of himself on a popsicle stick.   
  
"Nibble, nibble, nibble." He said. There was a pause. "Kee...crack!" Sirius waited. "That means move Pete." Sirius whispered.  
  
"I don't wanna roll around onstage!" Peter shrieked in a terrified sort of manner.  
  
"You're ruining my vision!" Jezzebel shrieked from offstage.  
  
"What vision? The whole audience is stoned!" Narcissa snapped.  
  
"Wasn't she the costume designer?" A Hufflepuff asked.  
  
"Come on Peter, my arm's getting sore!" Sirius hissed. Peter shook his head, so Sirius ever so stealthily kicked him.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!" ..."AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"  
  
Peter was rolling around on the stage. Jezzebel used Wingardium Leviosa to put a doll farm house onstage, and the fence wrapped around Peter. Then he went off a carefully placed ramp and landed in a kiddie pool.  
  
"SPA-LASH!!!" Sirius yelled, throwing a glass of water in the air. Then he made some gargling sounds. The audience started giggling and drooling.  
  
Peter gave the thumbs up and they dragged him offstage. The curtain came down and opened up again with the bugs and James hanging out on top of the peach.  
  
"Now are we going to New York?" Natasha asked.  
  
"I guess." James answered. "Is there another song yet?"  
  
"Nope...oh wait, reprise." Sirius answered. "That's the life for me! C'mon, sing it Sevvy!"  
  
"Eat shit and die Black!"  
  
"That's the life for me!" Sirius sang, swinging Severus into the pit.  
  
Lily and Natasha started dancing in a ring around the rose manner around Narcissa, who scowled at them in a very un-ladybug like manner.  
  
Sirius, Lily and Natasha did spirit fingers and the music ended. "Okay. Now we need to figure out how to get this thing to New York." Lily decided.  
  
"Cruise control isn't good enough for you?" Sirius asked.  
  
"No it's not good enough for- AAAAAAAAhhhh!! What is that?!" Lily shrieked. What sounded like a posessed lawnmower revved up from offstage.  
  
"Big...gnashing...teeth." Lucius supplied lamely. Then he kicked Snape.  
  
"Ow. Wanker."  
  
"Smelly."  
  
"That hurts."   
  
The bugs all waited patiently for the shark to show up. But instead they heard shrieks of pain and what sounded like bones crunching. "WE LOST CONTROL OF THE SHARK!!! IT JUST GOT TWO HUFFLEPUFFS!!!"  
  
Sirius started ticking them off on his finger. "How many've we got left?"  
  
Jezzebel walked onstage. "We're going to have some...audience participation. Who wants to be the shark? Bruce Bogtrotter, okay. We don't have a shark costume so you can wear this bunny suit. Everyone just imagine."   
  
A few minutes later Bruce Bogtrotter came out wearing a pink bunny suit. "It's a viscious bunny!" Natasha said.  
  
"We're pretending he's a shark Tash." Lily hissed. "Ah! Oh, what are we to do?! It will get the peach!"  
  
Everyone looked expectantly at James. "Don't you have an idea?" Sirius prompted.  
  
"I'm stumped." James answered.  
  
"Dude, you're supposed to suggest we fly out." Sirius hissed.  
  
"Dude? Really getting into this American thing, aren't you?" James asked.  
  
"Oh sod-AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHH!!!" Sirius screamed in pain.  
  
"GASP!!" The audience yelled, then giggled. Meanwhile, Sirius and James were rolling around onstage beating the shit out of each other and Lily was trying to pry them apart.  
  
Jezzebel flailed her arms around offstage, hissing angrily at James and Sirius. "You're messing up your lines! James likes the centipede!"  
  
"Right, so James said we should fly out!" Lily yelled, gripping James by the hair while Natasha restrained Sirius.  
  
"And how do you propose we do that?" Snape asked.  
  
"Seagulls!" James exclaimed. "Or penguins, wizarding penguins...covered in flour with string dangling from their legs and being tied to...Jezzebel no!" James shrieked as Jezzebel tied the strings to Lenny Martin, one of the Hufflepuff stage crew members, to lead them onto the stage.  
  
The Wizarding penguins honked menacingly, then soared higher above the stage. Lenny screamed in fright as he was yanked towards the bloodthirsty birds.   
  
(As authors, we feel it necessary to mention that we harmed crate-fulls of penguins in order to create this scene. We also feel it necessary, to keep this ficcie PG as opposed to NC-17, we are going to skip over the penguins killing the Hufflepuff scene. Mind you, it is there, so if you would like to fill in sound effects, please do so now.)  
  
…  
  
…  
  
…  
  
(Thank you)  
  
"Oh my god, they killed Lenny!" Natasha shouted (we couldn't help ourselves, ed.).   
  
"Gruesomely." Lily noted.   
  
Professors McGonagall and Trelawney zapped the penguins with stun charms and tied them to the peach, while Jezzebel mopped up backstage.  
  
"We're still going?!" James shrieked. The audience, unable to see the carnage, looked on in confusion as the frightened children trembled and gaped at the psychotic penguins flapping above them.  
  
The audience cheered. "They're such good actors." Frank Longbottom (under the influence of a muffin) whispered to a fellow second year, who was glaring at the penguins.  
  
"Alright." Jezzebel said to the audience. "The peach is now flying away from the penguins-bunny…the shark. And commodore centipede is navigating."  
  
"That's you." James whispered to Sirius.  
  
"Really? What kind of idiots would trust me to navigate?" He asked.  
  
"Us, apparently." Snape said dryly.  
  
Jezzebel had disappeared backstage, and was once again calling cues to the actors. "You're lost now and it's Sirius' fault. Severus, get mad at him!"  
  
"Well this should be easy." Snape muttered.   
  
Sirius looked at the confused audience. "Oh no. I got us lost."  
  
"Shiver." Jezzebel ordered.  
  
"Why?" Natasha asked.  
  
"It's cold! You're too far north…or south." Jezzebel answered.  
  
The kids just sort of stood there, looking confused, so Jezzebel blasted them with a fire hose and then chilled the water with a freezing spell.  
  
"OW!! AAAAHHH!!!" They all screamed as they were pushed against the wall by the force of the fire hose, and then frozen in place.  
  
"J-j-j-j-j-j-j-ezzeb-b-bel, w-we c-c-c-c-an't m-m-ove." James managed to get out, his teeth were chattering. A huge wall of ice had covered the stage, and all of the cast were stuck in it. Sirius' head was below the level of the ice and his face was turning blue. He was exhaling very rapidly, trying to melt a hole in the ice with which to breathe through.  
  
"Sowwy. But you're supposed to be cold!" Jezzebel wailed, trying to start a controlled fire. She was a lot better at freezing things than warming them up.  
  
"You're k-k-killing S-s-sirius!" James shouted in panic.  
  
"N-n-n-n-no l-l-l-loss there." Snape said, his head just barely above the ice.  
  
"I w-w-w-would so s-s-s-strangle you r-right n-n-n-n-ow if I c-c-c-c-could m-m-m-m-ove!" James threatened.  
  
The curtains closed. "Technical difficulties, we'll be back on in a minute folks." Bruce Bogtrotter said, still wearing the bunny suit.  
  
The adults scrambled around unfreezing the students. Madam Pomfrey, while screeching angrily at Jezzebel, administered a pepper-up potion to the now passed out Sirius. He woke up with steam shooting from his ears and cried out in shock and fright.   
  
"Ah! I want this play to be over, it hurts!" Sirius wailed.  
  
"The show must go on!" Dumbledore said cheerily.   
  
"Yup, get back out there, we're over halfway done." Jezzebel said, equally cheerful.  
  
The frightened, damp and cold first years, with their battered costumes, appearing more like survivors of some odd battle than a theatre company stared at the two with wide frightened eyes before they were once again pushed onstage. 


End file.
